She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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