Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
