u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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