The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize