Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
