I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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