i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize