if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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