He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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