so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
