i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The air was thick with penises
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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