I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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