the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
