Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
