Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
