where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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