OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
