So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
