I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
