My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
