I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
We have so much sex to catch up on
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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