Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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