Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
