The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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