i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
PS: I just woke up from my shower
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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