Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
