i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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