My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
