God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
