I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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