Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
