Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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