did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
