She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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