You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
