I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
