Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize