remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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