My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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