I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
