I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
