Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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