hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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