fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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