and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
