tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
