if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
