perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize