I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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