he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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