My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
