"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
