the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
