yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just found puke in my bra..
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
