When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
