I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
