Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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