dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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