No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
