Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
